| Amanda's profileCanto Alla VitaPhotosBlogLists | Help |
|
April 17 A though decision Today I made a hard choice, I decided to quit talking, talking to my friends i have made over the net. I have been to stressed out lately, with my husbands jealousy of everyone, that i can't take it any more. I love my friends very much, I care about them and I'm afraid that by doing this i will lose a few of them, but I have to prove to my husband that I love him too.that altho i take time over for theses people that I have always and will always care for him more. While I feel that it is wrong of him to ask such a thing from me I will none the less. take from it what you want.I feel tho, that i should let other dictate my actions but sometimes you have to make exceptions. and it is for only a few days right? What is the harm in that? It does make me sad tho. I will miss them all greatly. March 18 A dark day*sigh*
Today the world is dark. Why? I can not pretend to know. I just know that everything is dead, lifeless, dark, and cold. I tried to sleep it off but, even my dreams were nothing but nightmares, and i kept waking.
So here I sit, lifeless, and cold, tired and weak. Alone and in pain.
My attempts at fighting are in vain. Even the music I listen to is making me cry. All seems and feel hopeless.
Where is the sun? Where are the blue skies? Do they no longer exist? SO i see nothing except the darkeness in my mind and the dying soul and heart. February 24 Just becauseAh how about a topic that was recently brought up on teddekker.com. Fighting evil with evil..
One of the members made a thread saying that we should embrace the evil within in order to defeat evil. I believe this to be folly. once you embrace evil it is hard to come back. he gave a few point that did make sense, but to me they seemed more to be exposing evil rather than using evil. One of his examples was, showing women what happens to unborn children when they are aborted, showing them the horrors of doing such a deed. I agree, that is one way to help cut down on how much people do such a thing, but you don't have to embrace evil to let people know that. just lay out the simple facts.
There are many horrors in this world. Another point that another board member has was how people don't like to face their evils, or other people's evils. but accepting it is the first step to recovery. That doesn't mean you have to join it. To fight evil while being evil will only create a bigger evil. like fire. You play with fire and you will get burned. rather fight evil with good. Nothing says that if you are fighting with good that you can't still be honest with people. sometimes you just have to do what you feel is necessary, but ultimately once you lay out your facts and reasons why something is wrong, and why it goes against God and all you believe in, there is nothing left you can do except pray. People still have the right to make their own choices.
Once you get to a place where all you can do is pray it is hard. Especially for a person like me, I want to do more, all the time. But changing a person’s mind is never the true goal. My goals are to show everyone I meet how much God loves them. I try to do that by listening to them and helping out on anyway I can but no one really seems to come to me. Hopefully that means they are turning to God, but I know a few people who just sit and brood, brooding never gets you to a better place. I have done my share of brooding. What happens is you use all you energy wishing things where different rather than just accepting that you cannot have everything you want. Move on. God has a plan for everything, sometimes we cannot see what it is, this is where faith steps in. Without faith I would be hiding away like some sissy girl, for I have many fears, but God is BIGGER than my fears, he can defeat them in one breath. But just because he does not right when you want him to doesn’t mean he is not looking out for you. Everything has a reason. It is written that God will never leave nor forsake you, so why is it that we as humans feel like he abandons us? I like to think it is because we have grown impatient with him and want him to do things our way, instead of his way. So once again we need to surrender to his will. And let him do what he needs to in our life in order for his plan to be executed out in the fashion he desires.
It appears that my blog has gone in a completly diffrent direction. I do hope you were able to keep up.
December 06 The Truth in FacesI walk into a room, sit down and watch those around me. The girl to my right, smiles brightly through her mask, the man to my left stares angerly through his. I see the pain and hurt reflected in their eyes. One by one the masks of those around me fall off. My heart breaks as i see whats inside.There is pain, bitterness, hatred, anger, anguish, blame, depression, sadness, loneliness, despair, and Torment. I cry out to God, Help them Save them! Every few times i find myself drawn to one in particular. Talking and laughing, tyring. All the while they try to remain hidden underneath the facade. Hiding from the truth, refusing to believe. I long to hold them, tell them how much they are loved, that some one does care, but to do so would brake my heart farther. Sitting back and praying hurts just as much. How can i tell them that every person is worth so much, and life is worth living, That God is always there? When I myself find it hard to live out each day. The more I sense in others the more I cry out to God. I feel as though i should do more, but the despair that holds my heart stops me. Struggling I attempt to piece my heart back together, one precious piece at a time. Is there no peace? How do you balance your gift and life when just walking out your door the troubles of the world crash down upon your shoulders? Give it to God you say. And Oh I do. Every day i am constantly breathing that prayer, "God, you see that person over there? The one with the anger, the one that's hurting? They are so lost. they need you. Guide them, be with them. Bring someone in their life to show them you. Show them what you see." Yet day after long day, person after person, and often the same ones, come across my path. Again I am slapped in the face by the cries of their souls. My only refuge is in music, there I am whisked away to recharge for another day. So if you see me, remember, I see you. All of you. November 11 Changes.I went to the doctor last week, So now i am on meds. The thought of taking meds kinda scares me. There are so many things that can go wrong. I could get worse. and actully I dont really care about that. i'm already depressed so nothing really matters. And the pills are so small it would so easy to down all of them. I guess it not a really smary idea to leave me along all day huh? I could get myself in so much trouble. ~sigh~ its been one of those days where she slightest thing drops you like no other. I have some meds that will help me right now but I'm afraid of taking them cause of the risk of growing dependent on them but what does that matter anyway? Its not like i could get more if i did. It is amazing the way i think sometimes, i move in circle so fast that i can bairly keep up myself. Here is the point. Life sucks, so who cares what happens now. |
|
|||||
|
|